The Quiet Betrayal

Step 5 of The ABV Healing Map - for the ones who started disappearing to stay loved.

Some betrayals don’t come from enemies.

Some betrayals come softly. Quietly.

They come wrapped in the voice of someone you trusted. Someone who said, "I'm doing this because I care."

And because they cared, you believed them. Even when your gut tightened. Even when your heart whispered that something was wrong.

These betrayals don't come with loud arguments or dramatic endings.

They come with silence. With withdrawal. With confusion dressed as kindness.

They come when someone close subtly signals you're too much. Too emotional. Too sensitive. Too needy. When you're gently encouraged to shrink, to quiet down, to be less of who you really are.

Maybe it sounded like:
"You're just tired."
"Don't take everything so personally."
"If you keep acting like this, people will pull away."
Said softly. Said like care. Said by someone you trusted.
And that's why it stuck.

Maybe it was the afternoon you stopped telling your parents how you really felt, because your honesty was always labelled as complaining. Maybe it was the moment your spouse looked away mid-sentence, not out of anger, just weariness, and without saying a word, you learned to keep things to yourself.

And because you loved them, you started believing them. You began betraying yourself.

You silenced your voice. You swallowed your pain. You moulded yourself into shapes that fit their comfort, shapes you never chose.

But here's the steady truth: their discomfort was never yours to carry.

You weren't wrong for feeling deeply.

You weren't broken for needing connection.

You weren’t weak for wanting to be heard.

You simply learned to mistrust yourself because trusting others felt safer. But this is where you begin to reclaim what you quietly lost.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Consult your heart. Righteousness is what puts the soul at ease, and sin is what creates hesitation in your chest, even if others give you a fatwa.” (Musnad Ahmad)

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t adapt or protect your peace. Some shifts are wisdom. But the ones that erase you? Those are the ones you heal from.

This is where you gently say, "No more."

Because the loudest betrayal isn't what others did to you; it's the quiet ways you learned to abandon yourself.

It's okay to trust yourself again. Even if your voice shakes.

Practical Action Steps - Step 5: The Quiet Betrayal

When the betrayal is subtle, recovery must be intentional. You’re not healing from attack. You’re healing from the slow erosion of your voice. These steps help you speak to yourself again. Clearly, without flinching, and without losing your softness.

1. Name the moment it began.
Can you remember the first time you stopped being fully yourself around someone you loved? Write it down, even if it feels blurry or small. It’s often not the volume of harm, but the repetition of silencing.

2. Write the messages you absorbed.
Finish this sentence:
“I learned that I was too ______ when I…”
Do it a few times. Notice what you still believe and what was never yours to carry.

3. Create a “Not Mine” list.
List 3 beliefs or behaviours you carry that don’t belong to you.
Maybe it’s:

• Always apologising for your tone
• Feeling guilty for asking for space
• Believing you’re “too intense”
  Write beside each: “This was their fear. Not my flaw.”

4. Practice small truth-telling.
Choose one moment this week where you usually shrink.

• Do you say “it’s fine” when it’s not?
• Do you laugh off something that hurt?
  Pause. Speak 10% more honestly than you usually would.
  That’s enough to begin.

5. Reclaim something you shut down.
What part of you did you push aside just to keep the peace?

• Your instinct to speak up?
• Your ability to feel things fully?
• Your clarity when something didn’t sit right?
  Do one thing this week that brings that part back into the room. Quietly. On your terms.

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