The Inherited Lie

Step 4 of The ABV Healing Map - for the ones who only felt safe when they were needed.

Some beliefs don’t begin in words.

They begin in what’s missing.
A smile that doesn’t reach the eyes.
A silence that lasts too long.
A warmth that only shows up when you’re performing.

You may never have been told you’re the problem.
But you learn how to fix things anyway.

Because that’s when people stay.
That’s when the room softens.
That’s when you finally feel seen. Or safe. Or like maybe… you matter.

It doesn’t feel like survival at the time.
It feels like being “good.”

—

Some kids grew up without being congratulated.
Not once.
Not even when they tried hard. Not even when they got it right.

But the moment they slipped - the moment something went wrong - the criticism came fast.

And they carried that forward.

Into classrooms. Into friendships. Into relationships. Into their own sense of self.

They started looking for correction not connection.
And deep down, they stopped expecting softness at all.

—

They bring that into their relationship with Allah, too.

They don’t mean to. But they do.

Because the nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a father who only saw mistakes and a Lord who already knows the whole story.

So they brace. When they make a mistake. When they fall short. When they even ask for something.

Not because they think He’s cruel.
But because they were trained to expect distance when they’re not doing enough to prove their worth.

And then they read something like:

“Say, [O Muhammad], to My servants who have wronged themselves. Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
(Qur’an 39:53)

And it doesn’t hit like hope.
It hits like confusion.

Because part of them still thinks: “But… I didn’t do it right.”

And that’s where healing begins. Not in a grand transformation. Just in noticing the lie. Not in the ayah itself, but in how hard it is to believe it. And then asking: who taught me that mercy needs to be earned?

And then unlearning it. Patiently. Repeatedly.

Not to finally be worthy. But because you always were.

“And We have certainly honoured the children of Adam…” (Qur’an 17:70)

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Next: We trace the quiet promise you made in childhood. The one that still shapes how you show love, and when you walk away.

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